Why does time disappear so fast?

I know I should be writing about debriefing the boys in this post. The clue is in the links list on the right but I feel the need to share some of the self examination (not physical I assure you!) I have been doing over the past few weeks.

In some of the previous blogs I have hinted at some of the strange stuff I do - some of it I do without even thinking about it - it is just natural. I can't sit through a gay porn movie from beginning to end (does anyone watch them like that?) I can't even watch the video clips on dudetube (link this) if they are longer than 2 minutes. Am I SO impatient? Do I just want to see the money shot?

Why do I even watch them? You may have read in the Brent Corrigan post below that I actually felt some (revulsion is too strong a word!) dismay, upset, uncomfortableness in seeing Brent engage in anal sex with another boy.... WHY? Why did this upset me? I originally went to his website to see pics of him and had he included film extracts at that first point of contact I would have been fine with it. Why is it that now, because I have got to 'know' him (in the loosest sense of the word), I no longer want to see him do the thing that I was hoping to see in the first place? Confused? So am I.

Lets have a quick look at the motivations shall we? Open Wide Vic.... Say Ahhh!!!

Ahhh..

(In best German psychologist voice) Vic, let me ask you some questions and please answer honestly...

Are you GAY?

Some TV program I once saw said that if you watched guys walking down the street rather than the girls you were gay. I do that, I watch both the guys and the girls but if I am honest then I watch the guys more.

If you watch gay porn you are gay. I do that. I like, really like ! gay iconography, gay porn and delving into the lives of gay YOUNG men. I like Teen and twenties men - twink not bear, young not old and lithe not flabby, but with muscle definition not muscle bound?

Do you watch or you look at gay porn? Do you get a hard on that fills your trunks with pre-cum?

Sometimes, yes most definitely I do. That is where this blog all started.

Do you have other Gay traits?

Like what?

Are you concerned about your looks and appearance?

No - not really. I have never really been that body or appearance conscious. I do not own any male toiletries beyond aftershave and shower gel - no exfoliants, no hair restorers, no hand or body creams.

Key Question.... Have you ever had sexual relations with another man?

No. I have never had anything bearing a sexual relationship with a man.(discounting some fumbling in the woods when I was 9 years old - more on that later perhaps!) I have had a couple of male friends who I am sure would have entered some sort of curiosity/discovery relationship in my youth but even now the thought of any form of sex with them is not even palatable never mind arousing.

Why not?

Not sure. I had plenty of opportunity in my youth to seek it out. Homosexuality was not looked upon as acceptable in the small town I grew up in. Was I repressed? - definitely. Was I scared of what other people would think of me? - Certainly. Couldn't I move away where no one knew me and I could be who I wanted to be? - Yes and I did. I moved to college far away from home.

Any Sexual Relations at all?

Yep, all female. College introduced me to my first true love, a male friend who professed love for me although we were both ostensibly straight and my first (and only) STD. My male friend, Joe and I shared everything including girls although never together. He was brash, confident and very sexually active (as long as it had a pulse it was fair game for him) whilst I was bookish, geeky and a little bit ill at ease with the whole sex thing.

One thing of note: As a 16 year old I was befriended by a family friend who was a ex-army. He was about 22 so much older than me. We cycled, played pool, watched films etc just like other guys my age did. I didn't think anything of it. We used to fight, only play fighting and more a test of strength and agility than anything else...until...I was sat down and informed that he was dismissed from the army for some sort of ungentlemanly conduct - talking around the subject my parents told me he was discharged because it was suspected he was gay.

For me that was a shock and a very scary revelation. I handled it really well (for a sixteen year old boy) - I ignored him! - I pointedly and unashamedly made him feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome when ever he came around to the house. I always found something else to be doing and I squirmed out of any contact with him (I was so mature about it - don't you think?)

I looked back for many years thinking of the hurt I probably caused him. I am not sure of his motives and I never will be. We still meet infrequently - funerals, weddings etc but never discuss the past. Some years later I went to his marriage, to a girl with two kids, I felt like a real shit. Later when it was mentioned in passing that he was living with a man and the marriage had broken up I felt vindicated, smug and content that I had done the right thing. Now however - I think I hurt him badly and that was unnecessary and cruel. I should have discussed the issues, I should have set out the boundaries, I should have explained my problems with his perceived sexuality.

ALARM CLOCK RINGING...

The half hour is up. We will continue this next time.

Next time I want to ask about your porn habits - where and when it started? how and why you do it?